The Madness Of Van Helsing
by PineappleIce
Summary: Hippies, cross-dressing, snogging and hymns... the life after the movie for Van Helsing, Jinette, Anna, Carl, Dracula and his brides. OOCness and randomness warning. FINISHED.
1. Of Kilts And Hotpants

_**Wow, it's been far too long since I attempted to write a parody. Curse seriousness! So... this is a pretty random story which came to mind before. Enjoy, R&R.**_

Anna Valerious ran quickly down the corridor, her heeled boots slapping the wet floor loudly. She followed the corridor around to Gabriel Van Helsing's room. He just happened to be leaning against the doorframe sexily when her heel snapped, she slid forward to near-certain death (or at least a rather large lump on the head), and he caught her in his arms.

"Anna!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing running around?"

"There'll never be a satisfactory reason for it... it's fanfiction," Anna shrugged.

"Oh, okay."

Gabriel and Anna began to snog passionately, until Gabriel pulled his head away. Miraculously, Anna's lipstick was still perfectly in place, and none had gone on Gabriel's face. Oh, the world of fanfiction.

"Now I remember!" Gabriel exclaimed. "You're dead!"

Anna's mouth fell into a pout, so that she resembled a fish. "Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Are too."

"Am not- damn!" Gabriel sighed, realising he'd been caught out.

"Now we've cleaned that up, snogging!" Anna said happily.

"Oh, okay," shrugged Gabriel, wrapping his arms around her and snogging her some more.

At that moment, Carl came around the corner, wearing, for some unknown reason, a kilt.

"Hello," he said.

Anna pulled herself from Gabriel with a loud 'pop' and the pair of them stared at him.

"Why are you wearing a kilt?" Anna asked.

"Well, I wanted something that showed off my legs, you see," Carl said, running a hand down his left thigh and posing. "Cardinal Jinette banned me from wearing hot pants, even though he said he did quite like the pink PVC ones." He twirled.

Anna and Gabriel stared for a few minutes before shrugging and continuing to snog. Carl watched, eyebrows raised.

They were soon interupted by Dracula coming around the corner, his hair loose and curly, wearing rose tinted glasses, a lime green shirt and bellbottomed pants. He was clutching a small guitar and singing "Amazing Grace". His brides walked behind him, hair flowing, singing along.

Carl couldn't help himself. He began to dance the hornpipe.


	2. Snogging And Singing

_**Thank you for all of the reviews. Now, the completely pointless hilarity continues...**_

Anna and Gabriel let go of each other (for once) to turn and stare at the new arrivals, Anna's head cocked sexily, her curls falling perfectly around her face, which was currently baring the fish expression.

"Erm... Carl?" asked Gabriel, looking tentatively at the little friar, who was now waving his arms and jumping in ways which should not be attempted by a man in a skirt.

"Kilt. It's a kilt," Carl said suddenly, still dancing.

He was conversing with the authoress, who shrugged and continued with the story.

"Carl?" Anna asked, flicking the friar in the arm. "CARL!"

Carl stopped dancing and smiled bemusedly at her. "What?"

"Carl, that's _Dracula and his brides_," Gabriel said, assuming a low hiss and pointing at the singing vampires.

Carl looked at them. Then he chuckled. "I'm not stupid, Gabriel."

"Carl, it's them."

"No, it isn't. They're dead. You melted them."

"That's the _Prince of Darkness_!" Anna snapped.

Carl scratched his chin. "No, the Darkness have much higher voices."

"Carl, he's the epitome of **BLOODY** evil!"

They continued to bicker aimlessly for at least twenty minutes, but it's really too boring and repetitive to list here. So, anyway, it ended when Dracula ended his song after forty six verses.

"How'd you come up with all those verses, anyway?" Gabriel asked, his mind briefly away from his fight whith Carl.

"Amazing what you find when you read the Bible obsessively every night," Dracula smirked.

"Amazing what I found when he reads the Bible every night," Aleera muttered, slipping an arm around Marishka's waist and pulling her into a snog.

"Wow, look, Anna," Gabriel said, tapping her on the shoulder. "They don't need to breathe, and they can snog constantly."

"Yeah," Anna agreed, her mind also away from the argument with Carl.

"Hey, Anna, maybe we should become vampires," Gabriel smiled.

"Is that all you think about?"

"Well, duh, it is fanfiction. You're quite often dead in these fics, see, so I have to get my kicks whilst your here," Gabriel explained slowly.

Anna nodded. "I see."

With that, they began to snog.


	3. A Suspicious Voice

"Sheesh, everyone around here has a one-track mind," Carl sighed, rolling his eyes.

Time slowly moved forward, Anna and Gabriel snogging, Marishka and Aleera snogging, Verona smoking, Dracula staring seductively at Carl, and Carl wondering deeply whether or not he should curl his eyelashes.

"You know," said a voice, "you guys could get on with the story."

"Who are you?" Dracula asked suspiciously.

"The writer," came a cool reply. "I'm taking self-insertion fics to the next level."

"So you're to blame for this," Anna said, pulling away from Gabriel. "You know, you could at least give him sweet-smelling breath. I mean, he may be sexy and deadly and all, but GOD you know when he's been eating garlic."

Gabriel scowled. Dracula sighed.

"So I guess that means snogging's not on the agenda today, Gabriel," he groaned.

"Nope, sorry," Gabriel replied. "You'll just have to pine over our lost love from my past life alone today."

"Oh well," Dracula said, shrugging. "At least now I can watch Buffy in peace tonight."

At that moment Carl screamed. "You _are_ Dracula!" he exclaimed, doing the first semi-logical thing that came to mind: throwing himself out of a fifth floor window.

"Carl? Are you alright?" Anna called.

"Fine," Carl said chirpily. "I'll be fine. This is the part when Gabriel nurses me back to help and wrestles with his true undying love for me, isn't it?"

"Erm... of course not..." Gabriel muttered, pale.

Anna glared at him. He was saved from her wrath by Jinette running in suddenly, dressed in a long flowing white dress, lilac feather boa, high heels and a blonde curly wig. Jinette ran to the window.

"Carl!" he shouted. "You had _so_ better not be late for our leg wax!"


	4. Fishing For Carl

"What is it you guys want, anyway?" Anna asked the vampires, as Gabriel and Jinette tried to pull Carl back up with a fishing rod.

"You have to help us, Anna!" Marishka wailed.

"Please!" Verona added.

"Have a heart, Anna!" Aleera moaned.

"I hope you have a heart, Aleera," Anna snarled. "Because some day I'm going to have steak with it! Yum!"

"Erm... that's not quite right..." Carl's voice floated through the window.

"Stop being a know-it-all!" Anna shouted back. "Or we'll leave you down there."

"Transylvanians," Carl muttered heatedly, as he stared at the worm suspended on the end of Van Helsing's fishing line a few inches above his mouth. "Just because I know the script off by heart."

"I hope you have a heart, Carl-" Anna began.

"Shut up, DAMMIT!" Carl shouted.

"Carl, you're cursing. Badly, but still cursing," Gabriel said. "Friars can't do that!"

"Actually I'm a f- what the hell?" Carl called. "Did you just get my job title correct?"

"I did," Gabriel smirked.

Carl gave a roar of anger. "You imbecile! You're supposed to call me a monk, so that I can lecture you about me being a friar! It _always _happens that way in fanfiction! God DAMN you!"

"Calm down, Carl. I just thought that-"

"You're not supposed to think! You can't think! You're the brainless hunter!" Carl snapped.

Gabriel dropped the fishing rod. It smacked off Carl's face. "Fine. Stay down there."


	5. Wet Dog and Angstyness

Anna tapped her foot. Gabriel decided she obviously needed more snoggy goodness, and ran to her. They snogged. (Well, duh.)

Carl flew in through the window. Nobody seemed to find this odd, except Dracula, who asked, "You can fly?"

Carl merely winked. Dracula decided to question it no further, and instead clapped a hand to his forehead. His eyes filled with tears.

"Vlad?" Marishka asked, slipping an arm around his shoulders. "What is it, baby?"

"I... don't know. I think I poked myself in the eye."

"No, remember. It's time to get angsty over Carl," Jinette suddenly said.

"Oh, yeah. I (sniff) love you (sniff sob) Carl! Why can't (sob) I have him (sniff sniff sob sob)?" Dracula wailed.

"Erm... right..." Carl said. His nose twitched. "I smell fire in Tasmania. Supercarl to the rescue!"

With that he flew out of the window. Dracula stared after him before shrugging.

"So..." Gabriel said, pulling away from Anna to gasp like a goldfish for air. "What did you brides want?"

"Help us make Vlad **evil** again!" Verona begged.

"He isn't the same," Aleera whispered.

"Help us!" Marishka implored.

"What's in it for us?" Anna asked.

Aleera shrugged. "An ice cream sundae?"

"Deal," Gabriel smirked.

Carl flew back in then. He was dressed in a tight blue lycra bodysuit, big pink boots and a long magenta cape.

"Hmm... lycra..." Gabriel murmured, drooling slightly. Luckily, Anna was just as captivated as he was, and didn't notice.

"Why does it smell like wet dog in here?" Carl asked.

"Werewolf," everyone said together.

"Ah, so you'll be needing silver bullets then," Carl said, beginning to search his cape for the aforementioned bullets.

"Actually, there is no werewolf," Jinette said suddenly. "I think I know what the problem is. Marishka, did you bathe before coming here?"

"Yes," came the low hiss.

"Ah, well, that explains it."


	6. Conga And Bubble Wrap

Some twenty minutes after aforementioned events, all of the characters in this aimless fiction were sitting in the library, thinking for a way to make Dracula evil again. Of course, vampires are stupid, Gabriel and Anna are brainless hunters, Jinette is really an American football fan with a smoking problem and the IQ of a chipmunk, and Carl had inhaled to much hairspray, so this whole 'thinking' process was taking a long time.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

The group had assembled into a conga line.

"Ready?" Gabriel, who was at the front, called. "Left leg first! One, two, three!"

The line skipped off, but it was quickly broken by Jinette, who began to hit Dracula over the head with his handbag, screaming, "**_LEFT_** leg first, Transylvanian eejit- **_LEFT_** leg!"

"Calm down, Jin," Carl said, flying over and lifting the Cardinal up using his Supercarl strength.

"Carl's a superhero now," Jinette grinned, as Carl carried him to the window and tossed him out. They heard a girly scream and a thud.

"Wow," Carl muttered, looking down with a partially interested expression on his face, "a man in a skirt should _really_ not land in that position..."

Marishka ran to Carl and slipped her arms around his waist. "Carl! You're sexy! Come to Transylvania with us and be evil!"

"Hey," Gabriel said, affronted. "If you're planning on finding a sexy evil prince, why are you babes picking him over me?"

Aleera rolled her eyes. "He's got brains and brawn. And everyone knows your brawn is really bubble wrap under your jumper."

Gabriel burst into tears. He leaned forward to rest his head in his lap, and they all heard a loud 'pop'.


	7. Transportation

"I think," Anna announced suddenly, "that we need to go to the source of our problem! To Transylvania!"

So, the whole group set off towards the stables, singing Monster Mash. Dracula even had a very interesting dance to go with it, which bore a great deal of resemblance to that of the YMCA.

"So, Transylvanian horses then?" Carl asked chirpily as they reached the stables.

Anna shook her head. "We have discovered an even faster mode of transport. I present to you... Transylvanian sheep!"

Anna shoved the stable door open to reveal eight sheep, one each for Gabriel, Anna, Carl, Jinette, Dracula, Verona, Aleera and Marishka (just in case you forgot who was present in this fic).

"You have got to be joking," Marishka snarled.

"Baa," said the sheep.

After much fighting between Anna and, well, everyone else, the party agreed to mount the sheep and ride them as far as they felt was possible. So, off they went, galloping (or should that be waddling?) towards Transylvania, the occasional 'pop' coming from Gabriel's direction.

_**Another pointless waste of your time and mine ;D. Not an incredibly funny or long chapter but more funny stuff on the way. BTW, if you don't know the song Monster Mash, you should listen to it. It's funny.**_


	8. A Naughty Thing

The sun was sinking in the purple sky as they arrived in Transylvania. It was about three years later, and the sheep were exhausted.

"That was a long journey," Anna commented.

"Are we there yet?" Gabriel asked, earning a slap around the back of the head from Carl, which sent him flying into the nearest fruit stall. Cue one hell of a lot of crushed potatoes, and one very angry fruit stall person attempting to hit Gabriel over the head with a carrot.

"Erm... okay..." Carl muttered, as he and the rest of the gang slowly slid away.

Gabriel ran after them screaming, the occassional 'pop' coming from his torso. "I'll kill you, Carl!" he shrieked.

This may well have happened if Dracula hadn't suddenly burst into tears, and went all angsty again.

"Leave Carl alone!" he sobbed. "You don't deserve him!"

"Geez, chill, dude," Marishka said, clapping Vlad on the shoulder.

"I WILL NOT CHILL!" Dracula shouted, grabbing her by the neck and choking her. She fell dead at his feet with a small squeak.

"You killed her," Anna whispered.

"I didn't. You didn't see anything! Prove it!" Dracula gasped, stepping back.

"That's illegal," Carl said, his eyes wide and bright.

"Vladdy did a naughty thing," Gabriel said in a hushed voice.

Dracula gave a low growl. Then he flew into the night, never to be seen again, except by some fourteen year olds in a time-travel fic and Van Helsing's daughter, with who he fell in love. But those are other stories. Really.

**Fin.**


End file.
